In conclusion... Lol. I hate endings. Well whatever has a beginning should definitely have an end. That's just the law of nature. Moreover I gave my word that this would be the 'end'. End of this thread.
Just to clear the air, the image above doesn't imply my opinion of a solution in such circumstances. No. It doesn't. All in good humour. Just checking. Otherwise that will contradict all this blog stands for! God forbid :)
Great. Let's get on with this before I chatter into something else unrelated. Sometimes it feels like I talk too much isn't it? Come to think of it, if that were true then I suppose it would be a good attribute for this sort of job eh? well I suppose so.
Sorry. Anyway back to the conclusion of the issue from before.
I established from both parties in this quandary that they wanted to make amends (although as I said in earlier post, I doubt dear wife's sincerity). So we had a huddle. I asked both to reaffirm to me in the presence of each other that they truly wanted to make amends (otherwise the meeting would be pointless). I would like to point out that this huddle included my OH (at their request though) as a witness and also for moral support. Also I obliged as it took out the formality of a counselling session so no one is under scrutiny or observation. Just good old relaxed conversation in a friendly atmosphere!
Prior to this there has been one on one conversations independently with each of them. Fact finding if you may. This enables for a holistic approach. To get a clear and unbiased view of the situation. It helps. A lot. So now, they both agreed we need to solve this in the presence of a 'fourth' party. So then, I began...
Ladies first. I asked dear wife to expressly state in points how she would like to be treated. What were her expectations going into this marriage? Some were a repetition of what she already told me but this is important. I needed to be sure her demands were objective. So I asked to tell her husband in the face, eye contact, what she really wants and expects. All that he hasn't done. All he has done wrong. As a wife, I asked to state what she thinks she deserved from her husband. The point of this is simple. Although some of the points she raised might be either far fetched, unrealistic or irrelevant, it mattered. It was communication. it came from the heart. An expression of emotions. She was done in an hour.
I asked dear hubby to do the same. He didn't have much to say. It was over in about 5 minutes. He was sober. This was expected (at least by me). This was the whole point of asking the wife to speak first. This is the importance of the holistic approach. Hearing his wife speak in that manner (maybe for the first time since being married!) was really touching and surreal. You could tell by looking at him. The emotion she poured. The depth of her speech. Things he never heard before. Not in that way. Not from his wife.
On my prompt, dear husband made a heartwarming apology recounting all the ill treatment he meted out previously. This we can understand now was done in sheer ignorance. Well I could establish that this (all he did in the past) was not a deliberate attempt to demean his partner. No.
Dear wife accepted the apologies though not wholeheartedly (so I think). Now i could sense the emotion in the room.
Regarding the 'demands' made by dear wife, I upheld the objective points and made dear hubby affirm to his wife in a heartfelt and clear tone his resolve to make it up to her and meet her expectations. A promise to give her the attention and affection she deserved. His obligations. She re-echoed same. Replay of vows made at the altar. Before God. Before Witnesses. I gave them a minute. From my observation point I could see a restitution and restoration.
It is work in progress. I want them to succeed. They are still on it. I speak to them often (especially to dear wife, to let go and let the would heal). They will be fine. I will blog updates on this if this has helped anyone. Let me know if it has below. As always please share your thoughts. Peace.
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